Writings

On the wrong side of the stage

This morning was an unusual one for me. Today was commencement 2005 at Messiah College. I should have walked across that stage this morning, but instead I was off to the side with the band. One more year for me. I watched as my close friends and peers received their diplomas. I watched as someone with whom I graduated high school ascended the stage a year ahead of me. I looked at the place in the program for the College Honors program where my name should have appeared, but didn't nor will it next year. All the time while they read off the graduates names, I couldn't help but look over the last four years and re-evaluate some things. I again began to ponder God's purpose and direction for my life. I know that when a door closes, another opens, but it is indeed difficult following the path less travelled.

Maybe I should have forgot about music and majored only in Computer Science, to prepare for a lucrative career out of college. Maybe I should have labored tirelessly and spending my energies on nothing but schoolwork getting the straight A-s I left in high school so I would have one of those shiny college honors medals all the while releasing financial burden from my parents. Yes, that would have been perfect. I would be all set right now. I would be moving off to make lots of money and move on with my life. Go me.

Instead I was foolish and chose two divergent majors. With no clear direction and an overload of credits each semester, I burned out in two years. During the following year I reflected quite a lot and finally decided to pursue music. I returned last fall to school and have now finished my third year of college. I know it was the right decision for me, but it pains me to look back and see what has had to transpire for me to find that path. I suppose I should not have been so stubborn, although I have learned some faith and humility from the experience.

Now I am still left wondering where I am headed. I wonder what the next year will be like. I fear I will resent it to some extent given the circumstances. There will definitely be a void as three of who I would consider to be my closest friends at school have graduated. Also, I have difficulty identifying myself as part of the 2006 class. I 'grew up' so to speak in college with my friends studying music through the various classes we all need to take our first two years, through the sight singing and music theory. I have identified with them, but slowly I have been having the realization that I need to identify with a class I don't know as well. I don't feel like I belong to either class at times. As the names were called, I felt my heart was there with my friends who were moving on, but I am left behind.

Of course, I'm being somewhat melodramatic here. There are many great things that will be happening next year that I have to look forward to. It will be my senior year at last. There is a lot that will be going on within the music department. I will give a senior recital. I will perform in the MENC competition. I will spend a year interning at a local church to gain experience in that area. I will be forging a new path for my future, deciding on what exactly to do after I receive my undergraduate degree. Doors will open, and I will have decide through which ones to go. It is both exciting and unnerving.

Through it all, I need to remain in constant prayer that I allow God's hand to guide me. I have faith that He will guide me and that I will find fulfilment in that. I believe there is a reason why I will be at Messiah College a year beyond my peers, though it may be some time before I fully realize that. Now I want to make it clear that I feel no resentment toward my peers whatsoever and am very happy for them. Though being at the commencement ceremony tore me up inside, I know they are deserving. Life has its ups and downs, paths that are straight and clear and paths that are curved and unclear. But above all, life goes on. I find great solace in that God is guiding us and is always there for us. While it is very difficult for us to walk blindly, I am comforted to know that God has a plan for my future. His plans are not always immediately apparent and are often confusing, but they are always fulfilling. We only need to listen. A verse that has grown to be one of my favorites and one which I find myself repeating very often applies here: "The human mind plans the way, but the Lord directs the steps" Proverbs 16:9.